Filthy
by CordsCool
Summary: One shot. A story of isolation,suicide and above all friendship. Harry Potter is gay and alone in the world. Read this if you have ever felt worthless and lonesome. Very mild slash but don't let that put you off as the story has a deeper meaning! HPRW


This is my first ever story on fan fiction so be nice! It's a little one shot about the isolation that one feels and although Harry is gay, his situation is universal to anyone who has ever felt as desperate as he is. This is perhaps why I chose to write a story like this as the storyline is basic and I hope people can relate. Please don't review and say that this story is AU because I know it is – I myself am a Ron/Hermione shipper! By the way I am not gay and nor do I think you have to be to write about homosexual issues.

Disclaimer – do not own absolutely anything Harry Potter related! If I did I wouldn't be wasting my time trying to please you amateurs! Lol!

This fan fic is dedicated to one of my best friends Varyssa who gave me the courage and the push to finally write solo. Luv you V, in a platonic sense! (note Varyssa is not dead)

Filthy

Harry looked around the dormitory and felt a surge of anger at the closed curtains that surrounded him. He couldn't believe his roommates of seven years could be so distrusting and weary of him. Afterall, he had mocked with them when Malfoy was downtrodden, shared their enthusiasm when no homework was given out and stayed up late with them laughing into the night over little things that didn't seem to matter nor particularly funny the morning after. He had been their equal and they would talk to him as so, sometimes he was more than that and they would look up to him, even praise him on the Quidditch pitch and in D.A meetings. Now all they did was avoid eye contact with Harry almost as though if they looked at him they would contract some life threatening disease. Harry knew they were uncomfortable sharing a dormitory with 'someone like him': Ron had reluctantly told him so after Dean, Neville and Seamus complained to Professor McGonagoll about the living arrangements. Harry was more disappointed than outraged about this but refused to confront the boys as he couldn't stand the usual look of disgust on their faces everytime he tried to. And so the tension continued to grow, the boys would change in the bathroom, whisper quietly but then be suddenly silent as soon as Harry walked through the door all the while issuing him with the same look of disbelief and disgust, always disgust. Nevertheless, Harry put up with it, what else could he do? How could he change their minds about him and who he was? No, he thought. Why should he waste effort persuading them that he was still Harry? And so he was resigned to lie alone in his bed with the curtains closed listening to the boys laugh late into the night, a custom that he had once felt part of but now he only felt isolation, a loneliness that was eating him up inside. Harry wanted to scream out, run naked round the grounds, he wanted to do anything to get attention off his former friends. But he didn't, knowing deep down that their behaviour was justified, as it was not just his roommates but the whole school that shunned him.

And why not? He was filthy, he was scum, a maggot in the putrescent body that was the school. Harry had been attacked for the way he was so often enough now that he actually believed in what they were saying as the truth – he now certainly did feel abnormal and wanted above anything else to be normal, to fit in with everyone else.

He hated being this way, being gay and alone in the superficial ignorance of the school. But Harry knew that he could not change, this was him. He had tried of course to abandon his feelings, he would whistle at girls passing by and even make fun of Malfoy by saying that he was a fag just to take the heat of himself. In some ways this pretending just made Harry feel worse, suppressing his real personality.

For months Harry tried to work up the courage to tell anyone the truth about his sexuality. He didn't think it would be too much of a big deal. Of course he would probably get the odd looks of loathing but that everyone would understand and of course he expected nothing more than love and support of his friends. He knew it would be hard for people to accept but that they would deal with it.

How naïve he was.

The news of Harry Potter, the boy who had defeated the Dark Lord and brought peace and stability to the wizarding world spread like a plague and within a day the whole school knew. No longer respected but was looked at with the sincerest expressions of disdain and malignity. No longer a saviour but wretched and abhorred. He had to endure endless taunting from people afar in the corridor and people magically spilling bubotuber puss over him. He would find notes in his bag with things written on them such as '_you don't belong here_' and '_get out of our school fag'. _These were the things that really got to him, the fact no one ever said anything directly to him, it was always through letters almost as if he wasn't even worth facing up to. Even Draco Malfoy would walk past and completely blank him, not even bothering to give a snide remark. Then there were those who looked upon Harry with the utmost pity, mostly from the teachers which made him three inches tall and as worthless as a flea.

And thus Harry Potter drowned. Drowned in his own sorrowful pity and self hatred. He pushed his friends away partly to protect them from the homophobia that was attacking him and partly because he didn't feel worthy of their love. He was now truly alone and cursed the fact that he didn't even have parents to test their love by telling them the news and to see if they would stick by him.

The only person Harry could bring himself to talk to was Dumbledore, the only one that saw that Harry had not changed. The two would have long talks and Harry would listen to Dumbledore's wise words that brought him temporary comfort…_'You know Harry, I can understand why you have found this reception. You're Harry Potter, the defeater of the Dark Lord and in their eyes you can do anything, you're strong, even a hero. I must admit that it is not fair that you have been put on such a high pedestal but everyone needs a figure to look up to and you were just that to millions. Now their innocence and belief in you has been abashed, they think differently of you because you are homosexual. Do I think this is wrong? Absolutely but it is human nature nonetheless. We all have a fear of something different, the alien among us but it is when we come to understand these people that we truly benefit. Tolerance Harry, many people say that they have and sadly to few possess it. I must admit, I look out on the young minds that our school has developed and I see the future as bleak indeed. What a world where people are chastised for being themselves. But it has always been this way and it will continue to be so. For we will always fear the alien and we will always fear each other because as long as we retain the belief that each individual has a right to say what they please to another without exercising a right intention, as long as there is a divide then there can be no life. And so Harry I do not pity you and I do not shun you I simply shake your hand as my equal and bid you a good night's rest.'_

Harry knew that Dumbledore was right but his insight just gave him an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and fatigue. Forget drowning, he was dead, forced to walk among the 'normal' people all the while being a living corpse; he couldn't live, he couldn't be himself in this place. And yet he could see no way out, he had no one.

And so it came that Harry, full of determination and dehumanised by the constant taunting of others, after his final seventh year exams Harry sat alone in his dormitory clutching a revolver in his hands. Harry marvelled at the beauty of it, something so small that could possess so much destruction. There was nothing else, he had one-month left of school left but could not bring himself to face the outside world, knowing that the reception would be far worse than inside the castle.

He held the revolver up to his head and pressed it against the soft scalp. He almost felt like saying 'goodbye cruel world' but realised that was a little bit to cliché. Instead, Harry tried to relinquish his hatred determined to die with peace in his mind and with a hand shaking pulled the trig….

'EXPELLIARMUS!' The gun flew out of Harry's hand and into the one of Ron's who stood next to a screaming Hermione. For a few brief moments they all looked at one another in silent disbelief and then Hermione rushed over to Harry and gave him a hug but more importantly she gave the first bit of affection that he had felt in months. Overwhelmed by emotion Harry collapsed on the floor dragging Hermione down with him and cried. Ron came over and instead of showing harry the same comfort that Hermione had bestowed picked Harry up so he was standing straight and slapped him hard across the cheek.

'You Prick!' Ron yelled with the anger welling up inside him. 'How could you do this to me and Hermione eh? We_ love _you, how could you? Do you know how hard it has been for us? To watch you fall and not being let into your heart so that we can help you? It was heartbreaking! Harry you're not alone!

_Not alone. _Harry let his words register in his brain before he retaliated and let out the emotion that he had been bottling up for so long. 'NOT ALONE! Of course I'm _alone. _I'm isolated from the world and there is nothing I can do! There's no way out other than death. You say you love me and I know that but what can you do? Stand by me and be condemned also? I couldn't do that to you. Don't you see? I'm GAY, I'm DIFFERENT, I'm FILTHY, I….'

Ron listened intently and decided it time for the courage he had been avoiding after how poorly Harry had been treated. He walked swiftly over to Harry and kissed him. Harry was so shocked by this, he couldn't believe what his best friend had done. Harry pulled away and looked into Ron's eyes, he smiled at him, which urged Harry to kiss him back. It was sensational and briefly Harry forgot about his troubles and for the first time in ages felt normal, this was normal. They finished kissing and Ron pulled away reluctantly this time looking into Harry' eyes. 'You may be filthy,' Ron spoke quietly, 'but you're filthy gorgeous.'

The two boys smiled at each other and Ron continued to speak. 'You're not alone, you have Hermione and me and you will always have us. I'm so sorry that I was so cowardly to come out myself but I was so scared Harry and watching your persecution…'

Harry held Ron's hand. 'Thank God you didn't, I couldn't bear it if you had gone through the same thing I did.'

The trio sat on the bed, contemplating the recent events. Harry thought to himself. How could he have been so stupid to give up his life? There were things worth living for and that kiss was one of them. He knew it would be hard to live in the wizard world but for the first time in his life he felt he had support, that he wasn't going to go through this alone.

'It's going to be hard'. Ron said finally after the long silence. 'The wizarding world will not accept us Harry. This school has just been a taster and I can't go home, I know my family will love me but I know they're against it and I don't want them to have to pretend to like what I'm doing. But as long as I have you two…' Ron looked across at Harry and Hermione and held a hand out which they both took and they smiled at each other in a mellow sort of way.

Suddenly Hermione stood up, and beamed down at the other two with excitement. 'So we won't live in the wizarding world! We can leave now, we've done our exams there's nothing holding us back! We can live in the muggle world! And we'll be fine 'cos we'll have each other!'

Ron and Harry looked at each other and grinned. It sounded perfect, they could get away from this place from the constant eyes burning onto Harry. Live in the muggle world. Harry thought this was a great idea he knew they would be more accepting he had seen them on tv as celebrities and best of all no one would know him – there would be no more expectations and disappointed glances. Hermione was right – they would have each other.

'Well?' Hermione asked nervously. Harry could tell that Ron had been thinking the same thing as him and they stood up and said in unison. 'we'll do it!'

Hermione screamed with delight and embraced her best friends. 'Great!' she said excitedly, 'let's start packing! We can leave in a couple of hours!'

'Woah!' Harry said cautiously. 'Tonight? We don't even know where we are going!'

For a second a look of disappointment spread across Hermione's face as this

dawned on her.

'We could go to New York?' Ron suggested heartedly 'I hear gay is in there right now. Just think all those shops, I'm sure we wouldn't have any problem finding somewhere to live and America is far away from here!'

'New York?' asked Hermione tentatively but then broke into a wide grin 'Ron, for once I think you're a genius! What do you think Harry?'

Harry didn't care where they went as long as they were together and as far away from Hogwart's as possible. He thought about New York. It could be exciting and was certainly far enough. He looked up at Ron and Hermione and nodded but as soon as he did, a thought came to him to which he pointed out to the others 'Uh, how are we gonna get there?'

The trio thought for a moment and it was Ron's turn to get excited. He dashed to the door and turned to the other two. 'Leave it to me', he said with urgency. 'I'll be back soon. Harry pack my trunk for me and Hermione try and …I dunno…. De Potterise Harry? We can't risk him being spotted by New York wizards, I hear they're rather melodramatic over the pond.' Harry and Hermione laughed as they watched Ron leave. Harry looked around the dormitory and started to pick his things up, Hermione had other ideas. 'Harry stand back', Hermione called grandly and with one swoosh of her wand and a few well spoken Latin words Harry and Ron's trunk were instantly packed standing next Hermione's and with Hedwig perched on top in her cage.

'Wow', Harry gushed, clearly impressed. 'You sure you're not going to miss this?'

'Of course I am', she said briskly 'but it's time to move on and anyway, we're of age now and can practise magic anywhere.' She turned to Harry and added in a serious tone, 'you're going to miss it to. I know that you've grown to hate this place Harry but we've had the best times of our life here. Magic is apart of you, apart of us.'

Harry nodded solemnly 'I know. So what now?'

'Well, as Ron said we do need to slightly change your appearance'. She thought for a moment and asked, 'how do you feel about plastic surgery and contacts?'

A few minutes later harry was standing in front of a mirror with Hermione proudly looking over his shoulder. He had to admit she was good. His scar had disappeared and Hermione had performed some kind of spell that had corrected his vision so that he no longer needed glasses. Hermione couldn't resist and had done a fancy kind of style on his hair –young, simple and stylish she had said enthusiastically. They stood in the mirror admiring Hermione's work a few seconds more until they heard Ron's voice calling them from outside. Harry and Hermione looked outside of the window and had to laugh in amazement. Ron was leaning on the hood of a red convertible holding a briefcase.

'Come on!' Ron called clearly enjoying the scene. Hermione managed to levitate the cases the out of the window with her and Harry standing on them as if riding a surfboard. Within seconds they were on the old cobble path next to the car.

'Hey sexy', Ron smirked at Harry noticing his new style.

Harry however ignored him and continued to look at the car and asked incredulously, 'where did you get this?'

'Ron looked at them both and smirked. 'Room of Requirements ', he said simply. ' I passed it and focused on tools for a new life in New York and this is what I got!'

They looked at the car and noticed it had a compass fixed to the dashboard with only one point on it – New York. 'It's a flying car,' Ron explained further and quickly went on to say that this one definitely had an invisibility button on it They kept staring and all of a sudden Hermione burst out laughing and jumped into the car. 'That room doesn't do things by halves does it?' she chortled but then stopped abruptly and asked Ron what was in the case. Ron gave an even wider grin and opened it to reveal one million dollars.

'Blimey!'

Harry stared open mouthed at the money and eventually spoke, 'definitely not by halves.' It was Ron's turn to laugh this time and jumped in the car and took hold of the steering wheel. 'Come on Harry!' Ron called enthusiastically. 'A new life awaits!'

Harry hesitated about getting into the car. A new life he thought. This is what he had been yearning for months – an escape from the hopelessness and isolation. And then he realised, he had already escaped that; it happened the moment Hermione held him and Ron kissed him. Harry wasn't alone, he was loved. He looked up to the castle the place that had been his home for so long. Hermione was right, he had the best times of his life there and for a couple of seconds was lost in nostalgia. But Hermione was right again, it was time to move on, to seek a new life of acceptance away from this place; he knew that he had everything he needed, not a car and money but his friends who embraced him. Harry never thought that the hatred he felt for the residents of the school would turn to pity; pity for being the ones truly alone and isolated by their values and their lack of friends. '_God,'_ he thought. I'm so lucky. And with that he jumped into the car next to Ron and Hermione and kissed them both on the cheek.

Ron put the key into the ignition and shouted something into the darkness that made Hermione say 'Ron'! And with that the three friends were hurled up into the air and disappeared into the night sky.

Only one person saw them go. Dumbledore watched with amusement as he saw Harry laughing and joking with his comrades as he got into the car. He watched silently as the car faded into the distance and after a few moments said quietly, 'Goodbye Harry Potter. The boy who can now live.'


End file.
